Looking at this page, i realized that it was long overdue for some more of my crappy nonsensical writing which really doesn't mean a damn to most people, but then, i don't really give a damn either. This is way better than writing a damn diary, coz this way at least people don't try sneaking behind your back to read it, hell, its right there, so go ahead. But i've found that this way, people tend to care far less about trying to read something which really doesn't matter to them anyway. So, here it is, another dose of the usual, long overdue nonsense.
On 2nd thought, maybe later. OR now? ah fuck it.
Really, i feel dumb writing this shit here, but ah well, lets just do it.
This is really one of the things about me thats changed since i last wrote, namely, that its been so long since i last wrote. Thats just the first. Rest are kinda worse really, and not something that i'm too sure about writing up here, but i figure most folks, if not all, would've gotten bored by this point so might as well just get it out there.
I dunno how to put this but quite frankly, recently, it seems to me as though a part of me has died or changed, that some things just don't cause a reaction anymore. I seem to have lost a large part of my sense of humor, for the rest that i still retain, i'm happy, but the part that i've lost seems to be irretrievably gone, at least for now. Small things that used to cheer me up, make me smile or laugh, no longer do. Another side effect of this is a far more no nonsense approach, but at the same time, this approach seems too damn bleak for my tastes, but i can't really shake it off. Up until now, i have always had the wildest craziest dreams, and used those dreams to dream even crazier, hope even wilder, but at this point, i just can't seem to do that. Every single flight of imagination, which earlier used to end up decades in the future or millions of miles away, now crash lands too close for comfort. It really scares me no end, it terrifies the living hell outta me, but then again, what can i do anyway. All i have the guts to do at this point is get used to this no nonsense approach of mine, bleak as it may be, but i guess its just realistic, rather than my previous approach, which at this point seems to be quite simply delusional. That it in some weird way actually worked is something which i don't really care to dwell on.
So yeah, to put it quite frankly, a part of me, deep inside me, has died. It was a part of my soul, one integral to my very way of life, but it seems to be gone. And honestly, i'm scared, terrified, petrified, afraid now that i look at things in this new harsh realistic light. I've given up on things which earlier i wouldn't have dreamed of abandoning, dumb as they were, i always held on to that tiny ray of hope. I'm too scared to try and reach for the unreachable, for now i feel that to do so is to attempt the impossible, and even though in the past, i have never really faltered while walking the path that my delusions took me upon, and fruitful those paths have always been, yet now, i find myself, terrified to even take a single step onto those paths, for now i realise what delusions they truly are, and yet, there is a part of me that still wishes i could walk those paths, for only then would i realise what those wild dreams can truly let us achieve.
I'm scared, i'm nervous and i'm terrified. Of what, i'm really not sure, but possibly it is life, and perhaps even failure. And thats what really scares me, for where i once had the nerve to take life and failure head on without fear, i now find myself truly out of my depth, and that is what scares me, that i am perhaps too weak, not strong enough to survive, and that, just scares the living hell out of me.
If u're still reading this, damn u really must have nothing better to do!!!
I can't believe you read this, but jokes apart, what i wrote was truly what i mean. Its just hard to express it any other way for some reason. I really don't know who i could possibly tell this to, and yet here i am, posting this for the entire world to see. Oh well, thats me. As for the rest of what goes on inside this fucked up brain of mine, i'll save that for another post. I'm insane nuff as it is, don't wanna drive you nuts too.
BTW, i never said i liked Lamb of God, i just found it audible enough recently. I dunno, maybe thats another side effect.
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6 comments:
we fear of a lot things in life .
But whats worse is, it compels us to start building boundaries around ourselves to stop others from entering them, to stop them from hurting us…… not realizing that we are only fencing ourselves in and wasting our own life by not crossing these lines….never knowing what we could have…never knowing what’s beyond it…..never knowing who we really are…..
life's ironic.
take it as it comes.
thanks for that, but seriously, u actually read it all???
btw, gimme a call sometime, i don't have ur current number
oh karan! is that u?! so you and vishad share a blog? :P
yeah I read it. I was a little bored at office, was jus reading through some people's blogs...this blog had been updated so checked it out as well.
btw...you seem really confused!
tc!
D-uh, Lamb of God is audible.
Its bloody loud metal!
But you did say you don't mind it, and thats like liking it and either way, you can tolerate it which is scandalous.
And about the post, maybe we'll talk about it later, ya know?
Like at night, one day.
:P
- Vishad
Growing up sometimes involves realizing our past expectations or hopes were unrealistic. However, these realizations should NEVER be fueled by fear. They may hurt, but it shouldn't incite fear.
In time, I think you'll realize that now that you've taken this "no nonsense" attitude, the ONLY thing holding you back is fear. You've discovered how to judge things in an unbiased way, and that is incredibly valuable, something many, many people never fully get.
Unfortunately, this is not something that can be reasoned into. You must discover it for yourself. And you will. But it will take failure. Failure is what teaches us the most about ourselves. Once you get so low you don't think it could get any worse, and then it will. At that point, you will feel a surprisingly wonderful thing: there's nowhere to go but up. The pressure of society, friends, family, will vanish. Carry that feeling with you, use it as your fuel. It will take you past anything you previously dreamed. You've come this far, and you'll go much, much further. Quite literally, the only thing holding you back is fear.
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