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So here I am, sitting up at 11:30 on a Saturday night at home, finished a helluva dinner, most of which I cooked, followed by my first mangoes of this year. All in all, indeed a memorable and fantastic end to the day. And yet, I find myself sitting up writing this, unable to sleep, hopelessly addicted to the song Tennu Leke, by Omer Inayat from the movie Jai Veeru. Now granted, I haven't seen the movie myself, but from all accounts, the above mentioned song seems to be the only good thing about the entire movie. Strange as it may seem, as I sit here touch typing this post, as my own emotions seem to mirror that of the song quite well.
Why it is so, I cannot say, and yet I feel this loneliness deep inside me. Unable to sleep, this calm slowly bugging me, little by little, this loneliness getting to me. As late at night when I'm all alone, is when I really, really wish I had a certain someone who I could share my feelings with. Maybe its just me, I don't know, but I've just gotten kinda sick of bottling up all my emotions deep inside me, scarcely letting a thing out. Sure I've got friends, quite a few of them, or at least thats what I think. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. But no matter how many friends you have, I still feel the need for someone special, someone who's like a really close friend, but more than just that.
I've been told by quite a few of my friends who've been in relationships that being single is way better, that its so much better to be on your own. That being single gives you so much more freedom to do whatever you want and so on. And given that they've experienced both sides of the equation, granted there's probably something to what they say. And yet I can't help but notice, that they were, and still are, far happier, in a different way altogether, when they were in a relationship, than when they're single. For when a relationship ends, they usually do so on a sour note, and lets face it, how many relationships actually end on a good note anyway? And this unhappy ending is usually the most vivid memory of relationships that remains with them, despite the good times that they may have had.
It's a common human habit, and in my opinion, a problem, that for some reason we tend to remember only the sad and unpleasant memories in our past, no matter how happy the memories that preceded it may have been. And perhaps, this is why so many people have told me that being single is far better, although very few say its a happier state of affairs.
Anyway, back to what I'd just started talking about. Sorry I had to take a pause in between so you might notice a slight change while reading this, if anyone is at all. Just got a little too much to handle.
And now, back to the topic at hand.
It's really starting to suck, little by little, day by day, this whole business of being single, in my position. More than I realized, I need a certain someone, someone who I can let in without fear, with whom I don't have to hide myself, someone who I can reveal my thoughts to. My senses are being slowly strained more and more, reaching a breaking point, at which point, I do not know what will happen, except hopefully reset and start over with the same endless, torturous cycle. Each night as I lie in my bed, awake, unable to sleep, that wish gnaws deep inside me, for my state without that person is not something I wish to continue. That lonely calm troubles me, while peace of mind eludes me. Life just seems to be getting more and more monotonous without it.
When someone who makes me feel like that comes around, they turn my world upside down, unleashing a flood of emotions that I long for, wishing I could always feel like that, and yet I know that it is not to be. Kinda like having split emotions on a single topic really, for part of me feels and realises that these hopes of mine are but empty shells, never to be realised or become reality, and yet another part of me is hoping against hope, that I do find what I'm looking for, because my existence without that is but a mere shell. A shell closed tight to all who look, seemingly calm and quiet, shiny, but no one, not even those I hold dear, know what lies underneath that hard shell. There are one or two who do know me well enough to have an idea, but yet, for most, that is all they see. And part of it comes from fear, fear of getting hurt. For I fear that if I let someone in again, open the shell, for them, its all too easy to get hurt. For the shell might be hard, but what lies inside is far more fragile. I just hope, that one day, I find what I so dearly seek. Until then, Cheers to no one, for thats precisely who reads this.
