Loneliness.............

Never thought things could get this bad,
Deep down, i always knew,
That things would be different,
That there would be some loneliness...
But never in my scariest nightmares had i imagined,
That it could get this bad.
Nothings really changed as such.,
Except that its gotten inside my head now.....
Spreading slowly at first,
Faster and faster now.....
Clawing at me,
Eating away at my insides.........
Taking over me, little by little
Driving me crazy...........
Its too much to handle,
This time, no one can help me
So many want to,
But i doubt if anyone can...
For this is unlike anything i've ever faced before
Nothings ever hit me this hard before
From so many different directions..
Each time i try and stop it,
It comes in from another place...
Crippling me,
Driving me crazy,
Over the edge
I cant take it anymore,
But it just doest stop
Ruthlessly, going on and on,
Blinding me, this pain that i feel,
Deep down inside,
I cant fight it,
It wont let me give up.
So i have to keep fighting it,
No matter the cost,
Because, even though i keep losing,
I have no other choice.

Hope and what-not.

I have never understood what life is. Not that I haven't tried, but then I have not reached the pinnacle of comprehension. There are glimpses of it that I have caught, that have at times spurred me on to try and understand it and at times have disgusted me enough to want to stop trying. But then, I have never stopped trying to understand life. We speak about the purpose of life and much like that, but none have actually defined what that purpose is. It may be so, since the purpose is subjective to people. But then, there must be something general, something that connects us all. I don't say it is god, I don't think there is one. But there are similarities in folk-lore, in religion, in language, in culture which speak of a common presence. Maybe it was the way man evolved that was the same, maybe it was something else. But something does connect us. I know not what it is...

Maybe the purpose of life is self-eliminating. Once it is found, it will not let life to exist. Maybe that is what death is. The attainment or understanding of this purpose... Or maybe it isn't... I know not, again...

But this is not what I want to write about. Death, I have not experienced and if I had, I would not be able to write about it. And life, I have lived too little.

Yeah, whatever...

What I really want to talk about is hope. Hope, is one hell of a thing. Yes. It gives you wings, rebuilds your bridges and fills up your vats with milk and honey and sunlight and star-shine.
And it makes you feel that that, which you are hoping for, could be real...
Hope is, amazingly, insanely liberating. The only problem with it is, that is shows you what could be real and not that which is. And when you succumb to hope, you start to live in the world that could be instead of the world that is. And then comes the rude awakening, and it all ends. Hope, is like a kick in the nuts.
(yes, pardon me, I am sexist, but it isn't my fault that only males have nuts which hurt on being kicked at. Yes, I know how it feels being kicked there and no, I will not tell you about it ever.)
Only its like a kick in the nuts by, lets say, Jessica Alba after she strips halfway for you. (yes, I am also a pervert... so sue me!)

You know what is insane about life? Its full of hopes...
So its like a series of kicks in the nuts. I suppose that is why most people end up getting all impotent and useless by the time they reach 40.

But then there are other parts of life too, choices and decisions and what-not. They are important. Maybe thats why people go on living lives...

Ah well, who knows...

Among other things, I succumbed to a hope again. The kick will come soon. Don't know why I did it this time. I haven't hoped for a lot in all my 18 grand years. Haven't left much of a doorway for any hope to filter through. Ended things with a finality, that at times, surprised me. Did so again, but can't help hoping for it to come back...

Of all the things that Pandora released from her stupid box, I'd say hope was the worst...

Lets all hope that she doesn't do something that dumb again...

:P